Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
