I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
