He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He? As in you personified your dick?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
