2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's the barista slut.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
