The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
