i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
