I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
