just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
