she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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