I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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