u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
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Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.