who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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