PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
