I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
