I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex