I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.