I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.