Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....