My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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