We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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