I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
