im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
