Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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