WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
