I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
