Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
