I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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