I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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