I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
