After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
