my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
