Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
