His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
