You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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