This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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