She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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