I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
