So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
