I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize