It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
