we have officially lost it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
