Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
