i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
