marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
