even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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