your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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