My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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