He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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