It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
