Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
