I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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