4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
