Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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