Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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