I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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