I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
