I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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