What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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