I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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